Not very encouraging for a return journal but it's something I've been contemplating for sometime. This would've gone up much sooner but a lot of personal events have gone on in my life the past few weeks, and then with the recent passing on Michael Jackson... ....

Anyway, the reason I vanished is because I've been fighting what I suspsect is unconfirmed seasonal affective disorder. Before accusations of my Wikipedia self-diagnosis come flying, this is a condition I've been going through for over a decade. Every summer, I'm more prone to lengthy spouts of depression. This year is particularly bad, due to being unemployed for what is now over the third month running: Damn Recession. I'm not looking for sympathy here, although some will probably garner that I'm just being a melodramatic attention-seeker from reading this anyway; wouldn't be the first time...

To try and fight off such feelings, I've undertaken a long-distance games design course and I was thinking about perhaps doing some commissions, on and off. But I do not think I am able to participate on DeviantArt anymore. What was once a hobby has now become a chore. I no longer derive any pleasure from doing artwok for free, because I feel under pressure to always produce high quality stuff. Hence why it's taking me so long to draw UEIE and Infurlation. I feel under constant competition compared to everyone else... and in some cases, I've admitted to being jealous of other people (not just art-wise but lifestyle-wise, etc), aloof, arrogant, spiteful, letting my overinflated ego run away with me, although I'm very careful not to actually say all this (at least, I hope so). Very childish and immature of me, I know. Those who know my reaction to Nordguard (Blotch's next project) know very well. I get extremely selfish when I'm depressed.

I've spoken with a lot of close correspondents about this, but I don't see any other option than to just drop DA altogether. I've been avoiding the place like the plague on some really bad days, hence the lack of comments and replies and notes or anything. I'm very very sorry.

I'm still as of yet undecided as to what to do. Self-confidence and convictions in my judgement are not my strong points... and summer is really not a very good time of year for me at all. I feel guilty about confessing all of this, because who on earth would want to read yet another emo-style journal anyways?

But I can't lie anymore. I'm afraid it's looking very likely I'll be closing up shop on DA for good. No one renew my subscription please, because I don't even know if it'll be worth it in the end.

Anyway, I'll stop whinging.

My esteemed thanks to everybody who's contributed to my 60,000 page views. I really appreciate that a lot. My thoughts and regards to all, especially my closest batch of friends who've had to put up with so so much this year, especially since March.

Due to recent events, I will be taking a noticeable leave of absence from DA for a while and all artwork is on hold until further notice.

My sincerest apologies.

A poorly executed pun but I’m fresh out of ideas at the moment. That’s pretty obvious when the best tentative title I had come up with otherwise was “Round We Go Round the Month-Berry Bush.” And I’ve not got the excuse of writing the episode dub-titles for Pokémon: Galactic Battles.

Perhaps I’m out-of-sorts because I’m not June’s biggest fan. I mean, it’s named after the Roman goddess of marriage, Juno. And in England, June’s flower is the rose... then there’s Father Day and Trooping the Colour (especially poignant as it’s a D-Day anniversary thing. No disrespect to the veterans of course)... oh, whatever. We’re halfway through 2009 and that means we’re all sailing on the winds of change. Something I'm not very good at dealing with, as those who know me very well have had to recently endure.
A long-distance course in video games design, a possibility of my getting noticed by possible big-time commissioners, me about ready to start doing smaller furry commissions (NOT YET so no hounding please!), hints of a long-term job on the horizon, driving lessons almost at an end with my final test booked, plus the fact it’s now been over two years since I’ve been furry... it’s all been a bit overwhelming but I shouldn’t really look a gift horse (or horses) in the mouth. After many a roundabout discussion and a lot of emotion (yes, yes, I’m one of those men who aren’t afraid to cry), I’m glad my life is the way it is. Originally, this journal was just going to be another dreaded moan fest... but bah, there’s enough of that in the real world (politics especially). My heartfelt thanks to everyone who’s supported me and a lot more besides. I just wish I had more interesting stuff to write about but I’m rather boring at the moment.
My apologies to those patiently awaiting more artwork, including the end of UEIE and Infurlation; I’m only one man and can only work so fast. A slight bugbear of mine is how much time I have to spend on colouring, something that puts me off many a sketch. But as it’s been drilled into my head recently, it’s my hand doing the artwork so I should do whatever feels right for me, including posting up line-art and things... then again, is that being too conceited? To quote the actor Alan Rickman (plays Severus Snape in the Harry Potter movies, but was also an angel in Dogma, the only one to reveal his wings, albeit sardonically): “I've never been able to plan my life. I just lurch from indecision to indecision.” Perhaps that’s me now. Of course, at the time of writing this, I’m recovering from a sudden bout of man-flu, so maybe things’ll look sharper and clearer once my brain stops spin-cycling.

I’ll bear William Shakespeare’s advice in mind during the intermission: “Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt...”

For those who ain't fallen asleep yet, take care everybody!

P.S. My most heartfelt thanks to everyone who's contributed to whatever amount of pageviews I've got nowadays over the past two years. :3

Otherwise titled: Worn Out Ramblings from a Ramshackle Fur

Most people I know tend to associate Easter with the chocolate eggs during the bank holidays. Of course, the Christian part does get acknowledged too, what with Jesus Christ being resurrected from his crucifixion. At least according to Christian belief, anyway. In an outré way of retrospective thinking, perhaps my life paralleled that circle of events… or maybe not.

Judge for yourself.

April 6th officially saw me die, in the figurative on-line sense. As some very well know, the phone-line had inadvertently muted our incoming calls (people would try to contact us but for some bizarre reason, our house phones wouldn’t ring), something I suspect may have played a part in me receiving no phone calls from prospective interviews or anything during my first fortnight of redundancy since March 20th. Only we didn’t realise this until April 4th. Regardless, the phone apparently gets fixed, I get myself a mobile, learn that Ultimate Spiderman has been postponed whilst Jeff Loeb struggles to make amends of the mess he calls Ultimatum (a big Marvel comic book event killing off poorly-selling Ultimate Marvel characters) and return home (only with a not so astounding issue of the Wolfman in tow) find our broadband is dead. Oh, and the phone won’t make outgoing calls now.

That one last tentative link holding me together, gone. Friends from my last job, friends from being a fur, knowing what’s going on in the world, etc.. And the key part to me getting a job (other than the face to face routine, something I’ve got a phobia of but I’m working on it, I swear!) Severed. Cut. Sundered.

It’s funny, really, how dependant I’ve become on electronic communication, and well And how much I over-reacted. An irresponsible part of me blames the Asperger’s since there have been past instances with me losing it. Mainly when some unforeseen event totally ruins my comfortable little habit hutch. The other part of me, which worryingly has taken on an amalgamation of my old best friend and my youngest sister’s voice, criticizes me for my immaturity. So something bad happened?, it says, Learn from it and move on, you‘re 24 this year, you‘re meant to have a girlfriend and live independently and have a baby on the way! Not still living at home with Mommy, not going out, getting your kicks out of animals and comic books. You’re not a child! Grow up already and do something!’

And you know, I’m inclined to believe what that second voice(s) says. Well, now I am, now everything’s back to normal. At the time though… well, paraphrasing a poem I once read, nothing’s more a prison than a man’s own mind. I won’t bore everyone with the details, but let’s just say I’d never felt more isolated as a plain human being than I did over the holiday. Misanthropy ran high, fights broke out, stuff got broken… savage immaturity, I know.

I guess, it was the fact that I had to be running the household and keep everything together for when Mum got back from the Far East held me together in the end. That there were people out there, human or fur, that didn’t want me doing something stupid. Still, being plain human, trapped in the house since the Jobcentre and agencies were shut for the four-day weekend and not wanting to spend what remained of my last wages… it was a tough existence, being human.
Not helped by the fact that I almost had a heart attack on the Easter Monday when all of a sudden, the news said there were riots and rife unrest in Thailand. Where my mother was at.
Thankfully, she was fine, far removed from all that. I’m prone to over exaggerating things.

The days blur by and at last, at long last… Sat 18th, 6.10pm, the phone is fixed and the broadband is back. So, why aren’t I bouncing off the walls and ceiling like a kid who’s had Christmas come early?

I’m not actually sure. Mental exhaustion? Guilt? No idea. My mind seems shot and well, I guess any spectator would wonder what the hell’s wrong with me, don’t I know what I want? … I’m rather lost as to the answer to that, right now. Maybe I’m just tired from the day (how can doing nothing exhaust someone, especially on a damn Sunday?), maybe I’m just having a tough time readapting again… or maybe I am just a self-obsessed navel-gazing jerk… or something. Who knows?

Anyway… I hope all that explains why I’m still not entirely 100% back in the game on the presence front, here, there and elsewhere. I probably need time to settle or something… I mean, my family is suddenly coming back altogether next week after a fortnight of being apart, and things will go back to normal again now the holiday’s over.

So I apologise profusely to anyone expecting me to have done a shower load of artwork, or go round the dickens like a dervish or something… And I thank anyone and everyone who’s dropped by with a friendly word or something during my absence. My original intention was just to take a short break, not get cut off and get forced into being 100% human all the time. (For non-furs, I know it’s a bit bizarre, me separating myself into being a fur and human… I’ve always categorized different aspects of myself like that, albeit the work-me, the home-me, the furry-me, etc. I’m just nuts like that.) But now that’s history, I’ll just put it down to experience, like I do with many an unpleasant venture in the past.

During my time off, at least I can safely say that Dinosaur King is one of the worst dub-produced anime in terms of production (missing sound effects and background noise is a personal bugbear of mine), PUSA and DuArt have improved a lot in terms of dubbing (a recent spate of Pokemon: Battle Dimension over the Easter break gave me the chance to compare raw and dub episodes Dogasu-style. From the 6 episodes I worked on, a lot of the original music was kept and in cases there was a lot of literal translated dialogue), and I’m a casual fan of Stephanie Meyer’s work (but I’m not doing fan art! Sorry). Oh, and I’m impressed with the production of the new version of Full Metal Alchemist that aired in Japan recently. Yes, the rumours were true. I’m hoping Funimation win the rights and manage to recall get the original dub cast back to do it (although, understandably, they’ll have to replace Aaron as Alphonse, considering it’s been a couple of years and he’s probably broken his voice by now.)

And that’s pretty much it, for now. Heh. For those who’re still awake after this marathon, congratulations! And thanks very much for hearing me out. Yeah, I know it’s total superficial and self-centered and mundane compared to my usual output but I haven’t been interested in the wider world lately. I’ll recover, soon hopefully, and get back to normal and get drawing again. I just wanted to give an explanation as to why I've been so silent lately and for those who've been in contact with me recently, why I've been so out of sorts. Thanks for putting up with me.

Take care of yourselves, and here’s looking to the darling bud they call May.

Warm regards.

P.S. Apologies for the sporadic nature of my writing; I've been out of practice for a fortnight.